男人的天堂av

Chapter 39: I Hate Myself!

Sebastian froze. His gaze locked onto Acier\'s soft, ethereal face, illuminated by the moonlight spilling through her bedroom window. She lay on top of him, her expression calm yet brimming with intensity.

Do you love me? The words echoed in his mind, over and over, like a broken record. Acier\'s gentle smile betrayed none of the weight behind her question as she waited for an answer.

Her fingers brushed lightly over his face, tracing its contours before her nose grazed his. Any other time, the gesture would have sent a shiver racing down his spine. Now, he was stiff as a board.

Sebastian drew in a deep, measured breath. Then, without a word, he grabbed her wrist. Before Acier could react, he flipped her over, rolling her onto the bed so that he was now on top.

"Ah—!" Acier let out a startled gasp, her wide eyes locking onto his as the shift in position sank in. She lay there, pinned beneath him, as Sebastian knelt above her.

Her breath hitched, a faint blush creeping onto her cheeks as he held her wrists firmly, preventing any chance of escape. His unamused expression bore down on her, sharp and cutting, making her tremble under his gaze.

She forced a nervous laugh, trying to ease the tension. "S-Sebby—"

"What kind of question is that?" Sebastian interrupted, his tone cold and clipped.

Acier flinched, her trembling intensifying. But before she could respond, Sebastian leaned in closer, his face mere inches from hers. Their eyes met squarely, and the weight of his stare was suffocating.

"Of course, I love you!" His voice softened, but his expression twisted into one of incredulity, as though he were staring at a complete idiot.

Acier froze, her eyes wide in shock.

Sebastian\'s jaw tightened as he watched her reaction. Do you love me? Do you love me? The question churned in his mind, dragging along a bitter tangle of emotions. What kind of stupid question is that?

Would I be doing all this if I didn\'t? he thought bitterly. Running myself ragged to save you, to fix this family, all for some misguided sense of guilt? As if I couldn\'t just wash my hands of this mess, claim none of it was my responsibility, and walk away?

Do I look like some saint with a messiah complex? His lips twitched as if to sneer. Why do you look so surprised?

Ever since he\'d transmigrated into this world and met Acier Silva, Sebastian hadn\'t doubted for a second that he loved her. There was no hesitation, no reason to avoid saying it aloud—unless he wanted to stir up some drama for fun or couldn\'t stomach the embarrassment.

But this? This reaction? It made him want to storm off to House Fran?ois and demand they peer into her mind. Did Megicula turn her into an idiot or something?

He wanted to scream it all at her, unload every ounce of frustration swirling in his chest. But watching her now—her vulnerability, the weight of her emotions—it was clear this question mattered deeply to her.

Sebastian sighed inwardly. He could have ended the conversation right here, let his answer be enough.

But no.

She deserved to hear the whole truth.

"Acier," Sebastian\'s voice was soft, almost hesitant as he parted his lips to speak.

"Y-yeah, Sebby?" Acier perked up immediately, her blush deepening as her face lit with unrestrained joy. Tears glimmered in her eyes, threatening to fall in torrents.

Sebastian gritted his teeth. He wanted to stay silent, to leave her basking in this moment of happiness. But he knew why she was so elated, and the truth gnawed at him. From the fractured memories of his predecessor, he understood. The old Sebastian had never once told Acier he loved her since their engagement. And the times he had said it before, as though it were effortless? Acier had long dismissed those as hollow lies from a false, fleeting past.

He didn\'t want to shatter her joy, but breaking her heart seemed inevitable. A curse he could not escape in this life.

"I definitely love you, Acier..." Sebastian began, his voice steady but laced with unease.

"But?" Acier stilled instantly, the flicker of hope in her eyes faltering as she caught the weight behind his words.

Sebastian bit his lip, his tone gentler now. "But I don\'t think it\'s the kind of love you\'re asking about."

He watched her freeze, her tears no longer brimming with joy. Reaching out, Sebastian wiped away the streaks from her cheeks. His hand lingered briefly before he forced himself to continue.

"I love you as something far more than a friend, a partner, or someone to confide in. But..." He paused, swallowing hard. "I don\'t know yet if I love you as a woman—as a lover."

"Oh." Acier\'s voice was barely audible, her lips trembling as the single word escaped. She turned her face away slightly, trembling fingers wiping at her eyes as Sebastian let go of her wrist.

She sniffled, rubbing her face with trembling hands in an effort to regain her composure. The sight twisted something deep inside Sebastian.

He felt like absolute shit.

But he didn\'t completely regret it.

The original Sebastian in me, twisted as he was, definitely regrets this, he thought bitterly. But I need time—to figure out whether I truly share those feelings or if I\'m just being influenced by him.

Sebastian exhaled heavily, his chest tight with the weight of his decision. If I tell her I love her the way she wants and it\'s true, that\'s one thing. But if it turns out to be a lie, I\'d be the worst kind of bastard.

Still kneeling on the bed, Sebastian watched her closely. Acier finally lowered her hands, revealing her face. Though her eyes were rimmed red and streaked with dried tears, her expression was calm.

A weak smile broke through, and slowly, she raised her arms. Her hands cupped his cheeks once more, their warmth drawing him out of his thoughts. She rubbed his face gently, her voice soft but steady.

"Thanks for being honest with me."

Sebastian opened his mouth to respond, intending to stiffly nod in agreement, but she continued, her smile shifting into something sly.

"But I wish you\'d be honest with yourself."

Sebastian\'s brows furrowed, his confusion evident. "What do you mean—"

Sebastian stopped mid-sentence as Acier moved her hands from his face, reaching instead toward the lower part of his body. Before he could react, she grabbed something—something unmistakably "hard."

He felt his brain short-circuit as his head jerked downward in a stiff, robotic motion, confirming what his stunned nerves already told him.

Three agonizing seconds passed as reality sank in. She was gripping what he thought she was gripping. His face turned a brilliant shade of crimson as he raised his head back up slowly, his expression frozen in utter disbelief. Acier\'s smug smile only made the situation worse.

She gave "it" a squeeze, her voice dripping with teasing playfulness. "You say one thing, but your body does another."

Sebastian immediately devolved into a stammering, flustered mess, his embarrassment peaking as he scrambled for a defense. "T-t-t-this is a normal male reaction!"

Acier\'s eyes curved into sly crescents as she tilted her head. Her tone turned foxy. "To what?"

Are you really going to make me say it? Sebastian gritted his teeth, frustration building before he finally spat out, "To a gorgeous woman!"

There! I said it! Are you happy now?! he cursed inwardly, his humiliation burning brighter than his blush.

Acier\'s blush returned in full force, but she quickly composed herself. Her voice remained playful, her eyes glinting with anticipation as she echoed the question she\'d asked earlier. "How do I look?"

Sebastian trembled, feeling the weight of her gaze. With a sigh of defeat, he answered honestly, "Beautiful." This time, his body and words were finally in sync.

As Acier\'s pleased smile grew, Sebastian felt a wave of annoyance tickle his pride. But how could he argue when he\'d already been thoroughly exposed?

Sebastian was no ascetic, no monk immune to temptation, especially when it came to Acier Silva. She was, without a doubt, breathtaking. Straddling his lap, pinning him down, teasing him like this—she wasn\'t making any of this easier.

Even with canon still years away, Acier was already hailed as the number one beauty in the Clover Kingdom. Charlotte was just a brat, Dorothy\'s age, at this point. And honestly? Even if Charlotte grew into a stunning woman, it wouldn\'t matter to Sebastian. In his eyes, no one could compare to Acier.

Some of that sentiment might\'ve come from the old Sebastian\'s lingering influence—the man who\'d only ever had eyes for her. But even without that, Sebastian doubted his feelings would change. Who would need anyone else? Who would even dare look elsewhere when you already have Acier Silva in your life?

Hell, even in his old world, Sebastian was certain that if Acier entered a Miss Universe or Miss World competition, she\'d win hands down. Every single time. No makeup, no filters, just her natural beauty. The only way she\'d lose was if the competition was rigged by some "woke" panel trying to be inclusive.

The point was, Sebastian was undeniably, helplessly attracted to her. Especially after this.

Gritting his teeth, he spoke hoarsely, "Acier, you\'re making it very hard for me to hold back."

Acier\'s lips curved into a mischievous smile as she licked her lips slightly. Her grip tightened as she locked her mesmerizing lavender eyes with his. "Maybe I don\'t want you to hold back."

Sebastian stiffened, his breath catching as she leaned closer, her voice dropping into a whisper. "Maybe I want you to let everything loose on me. Maybe..." She paused, her lips brushing against his ear. "...I want to go for round five."

Sebastian trembled, her words striking him like a bolt of lightning.

"And," she continued, her tone sultry, "maybe I\'m just playing with you."

Sebastian froze, blinking rapidly. "Huh?"

Before he could say anything, Acier let go of "that" and spread her hands in mock innocence.

"Relax, Sebby. I\'m just joking."

Sebastian gaped at her as she laughed melodiously, her teasing voice ringing out. "No matter how much I love you, I\'d never force myself on you—or tempt you—while you were conflicted or unwilling."

Well... never again, anyway, Acier thought wryly, though she coughed lightly to cover her expression. Reaching up, she pinched his nose gently.

"Take your time sorting out your feelings. I can wait."

Sebastian remained frozen, hovering over her like a statue. Acier, grinning broadly, started poking his cheek playfully.

"Hahaha, your face right now is priceless!" she teased, her laughter bubbling over. "I\'m going to remember this forever."

It took Sebastian a moment to fully process what had just happened.

This woman just played me for a fool.

The veins on his temple throbbed, and his forehead twitched as he stared down at Acier. His expression was unreadable, but beneath it all, he was anything but amused.

Yet, as Acier continued poking at him, utterly oblivious to his inner turmoil, a slow, deliberate smile spread across his face—a smile that wasn\'t really a smile.

Fine, he thought, you like teasing others, huh? Well, two can play at that game.

"Eeep!" Acier squeaked in surprise as Sebastian suddenly seized her wrists, pinning them against the bedframe above her head. Her startled gaze met his, but before she could utter more than a stammered, "S-Sebby—" her words were silenced.

Her pupils dilated as Sebastian leaned down and captured her lips with his. It took her a moment to register the warmth and roughness of his kiss, but when she did, her eyes fluttered shut, and she eagerly returned the gesture.

So soft, Sebastian mused as their kiss deepened, tongues colliding in an intense and passionate exchange.

Despite Acier\'s lack of perfume or makeup, she smelled faintly of lavender, and her lips carried the sweet taste of strawberries. Sebastian felt a dangerous temptation to lose himself entirely in her enthusiasm as she leaned further into him, her eagerness palpable.

But his pride wasn\'t about to let her win that easily. This one\'s for the boys.

Acier gasped softly when Sebastian abruptly pulled away. Her wide eyes snapped open, her face flushed and lips swollen. Panting, she protested, "W-why did you stop?!"

Sebastian\'s smile turned smug as he threw her words back at her. "Maybe, I was just playing with you."

"Awww!" Acier whined loudly, her pout almost comical as she glared at him in frustration.

Doesn\'t feel so good now, does it? His look practically screamed as he rolled to his side, casually claiming his spot on the bed.

Acier turned onto her stomach, glaring at him with mock displeasure, her cheeks still red. Her annoyed stare only made him chuckle.

Before she could respond further, Sebastian\'s arm darted out, causing her to flinch. But instead of another tease, he wrapped his arm around her back, pulling her close. Her breath hitched as her body stiffened, her chest now pressed against his side.

Sebastian gently tousled her hair, his movements soft and comforting. Leaning down, he planted a tender kiss on her forehead, his hand finding her chin as he lifted her gaze to meet his.

"I won\'t make you wait long," he murmured, his voice gentle but firm. "Once you\'re healed, and we\'ve had that talk you wanted, I\'ll give you a definite answer."

Acier rested her head against his shoulder, her lavender eyes shimmering with a mixture of hope and doubt. Her voice was a soft whisper, tinged with sorrow. "But what if you run away before then?"

Sebastian traced the outline of her face with his fingers, his touch sending shivers down her spine. His tone remained steady as he replied, "Unless you—or our children—push me away and tell me to get lost, I\'m not going anywhere."

Acier didn\'t look relieved. Instead, her voice dropped lower as she confessed, "Living like strangers in the same house, seeing one another once in a blue moon, avoiding each other... to me, that\'s the same as running away."

Sebastian\'s gaze drifted upward, staring at the ceiling. His jaw tightened briefly before he spoke. "I can\'t promise you much right now. But I swear, no matter what happens, things will never go back to how they were. You\'ll never have to deal with a no-show husband again. Ever."

Acier\'s expression softened, her lips curving into a faint smile. She nuzzled her face into his neck, giving him a featherlight kiss on the cheek. "Mm-hmm."

Settling into his embrace, she laid her head on his shoulder. Together, they stared at the ceiling in a moment of quiet companionship.

Sebastian\'s hand shifted, reaching for hers. Acier\'s eyes widened as she felt his fingers slip between hers, their hands intertwining. She tightened her grip, their clasp a silent promise of warmth and company.

I could get used to this, they both thought at the same time.

Seconds stretched into minutes, the comfortable silence enveloping them like a warm blanket. Eventually, Sebastian chose to break it.

"Hey, Acier?"

"Yeah?"

Acier felt a laugh bubble up. Now who\'s being the idiot? With a soft chuckle, she shifted, rolling herself on top of him again. Sliding up his chest, her face hovered directly above his.

Her amused expression faltered when she saw him. Sebastian wasn\'t blushing furiously as he usually did. Instead, he looked at her with a calm yet intense gaze, his focus entirely on her.

Acier smiled fondly, her fingers coming up to cup his cheeks. Her tone was gentle, teasing. "We\'ve been over this. Didn\'t you say it yourself? That I hate you?"

Sebastian\'s lips curved into a soft smile. "I think it\'s fair for me to start doubting that, given your recent actions."

"Heh." Acier laughed quietly, resting her head briefly on his chest before raising it again. "Yeah, you\'re right. I don\'t hate you. I hate myself."

Sebastian stilled, his brow furrowing. His voice dropped to a tender murmur. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." Acier hesitated, her eyes darting to the bedframe as she avoided his gaze. After a moment, she lowered her head to meet his eyes. "I hate that I love you."

Sebastian\'s hands reached up, mirroring hers as he cupped her cheeks. His expression turned serious, his voice steady but firm. "Explain."

Acier sighed, pulling herself free from his hold. She laid back, resting on top of him, her back pressed against his chest. Her gaze locked onto the ceiling, unable to face him directly.

Sebastian, understanding her need for space, responded by wrapping his arms securely around her waist. The embrace was firm but comforting, protective yet gentle.

Acier closed her eyes, savoring the warmth for a moment before speaking again. Her voice trembled as she confessed, "S-Sebby... I know there\'s something wrong with me."

Sebastian said nothing, waiting.

Acier bit her lip before continuing, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotions. "My l-love for you... if you can even call something this disgusting love... it goes beyond obsession. It\'s unhealthy... and I hate that!"

Her fists clenched tightly, her nails threatening to dig into her palms, but Sebastian moved quickly. His hands slid down, catching hers and holding them securely in his own. He didn\'t stop her from speaking, but he wasn\'t about to let her hurt herself.

Tears welled up in Acier\'s eyes as she pushed on. "Sebby, did you know? Years ago, my mother hired a curse specialist to check if you had put some sort of spell on me—something to control my thoughts and feelings, to make me worship you?"

Sebastian paused, his head resting against her neck. He shook it side to side, silently answering her.

Acier let out a weak chuckle, her voice tinged with bitterness. "I didn\'t tell you because I was scared of what you\'d do to my mother if you found out."

Sebastian nodded against her neck, his gesture slow and deliberate. Smart choice.

Acier\'s voice softened as she continued staring at the ceiling. "If it means anything, my mother didn\'t know I knew either. She thought I\'d never consent to something like that. She thought I was too \'in love\' with you to let anyone cast a spell on me. So, she hired that specialist in secret."

Sebastian hummed quietly, encouraging her to go on.

"But you know what?" Acier\'s voice trembled, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"What?" Sebastian asked softly.

"This time, she was wrong."

Sebastian froze, his breath hitching as Acier continued.

"Even back then, when I didn\'t doubt your feelings for me as much, I still questioned how you could so easily get me to go along with whatever you said or did. I needed to know—had you gone so far as to hex me? Had you turned me into your puppet?"

She paused, her fists trembling slightly in his hold. "With my strength and mana sense, no black-market nobody could sneak up on me. But my mother... she didn\'t understand how strong I really was. I let that specialist cast his spell. I wanted to spy on them, to hear the results for myself."

"And you know the answer," Sebastian murmured against her neck.

Acier nodded, her voice cracking with emotion. "No curse. No hex. No spell. Nothing. I was, and still am, naturally infatuated with you. And that... that terrifies me. I hate myself for it more than anything."

"Why?" Sebastian\'s voice was calm, but he knew she wasn\'t done yet. There was still so much more she needed to say.

"Because I hate that you abused my mother," Acier\'s voice cracked, raw with anguish, "and instead of stopping you—even though I had the strength to crush you with a flick of my fingers—I told her to get lost. I kicked my own mother out of her own home!"

Sebastian\'s arms remained steady around her, holding her as she unloaded her guilt and pain.

"I hate that no matter how much you lashed out at our children—even when Nozel came to me, begging me to make it stop and end our relationship—I lied to his face. I told him you loved us, that you had your own struggles, and that this was just some test he had to endure to become stronger!"

Her body trembled as fresh tears fell, but she pressed on.

"I hate that I can\'t see myself divorcing you—unless you cross one final line and physically raise a hand against our children. Even the emotional scars you\'ve left on them haven\'t been enough for me to leave!"

Her fists clenched in Sebastian\'s grip as her voice grew louder.

"I hate that despite Nozel being by my side for years, all it took was one silent night with you at my bedside for me to turn on him—to chide him and demand he show you respect!"

Her breathing quickened, her words spilling out faster.

"I hate that you could bring Dorothy into our lives without so much as a warning, and I couldn\'t even bring myself to insult you for it! I just put on a show for Nozel, acting like I cared by asking him to leave the room!"

Her voice broke as she whispered the next part.

"I hate that... I hate that even though you never once visited me as I wasted away, I couldn\'t bring myself to divorce you. Even when I had nothing left to lose, I clung to the thought of you. Because losing you—despite you barely even being there—felt like a fate worse than death."

Sebastian felt her shudder as her words continued.

"And then I justified it like a hypocrite to my sister, telling her it was for my children\'s safety—that they\'d need you in their lives to shield them from the nobles after I was gone. But even then, I couldn\'t guarantee you\'d step up! And why would they even need you? Nozel—our son—is amazing! I\'m positive that even without either of us, he\'d be able to protect this house and his siblings from those vultures!"

Acier let out a bitter, broken laugh as she kept speaking.

"I use my children, my sister, my mother, as excuses to stay with you. To keep you in my life. But at the end of the day, it\'s not about them. It\'s about me. It always has been, and it always will be. I\'m bewitched by you. No matter what you do to me, I\'ll always convince myself it\'s my fault—or someone else\'s—and I hate that!"

Her body heaved with sobs as she buried her face in his chest, her voice hoarse and desperate.

"It\'s eating away at me! Every time I look in the mirror, I want to vomit. I want to punch myself. I\'m an unworthy mother, sister, and daughter. Why am I like this?!"

She tilted her head back, screaming.

"Sebby?! What in the actual hell is wrong with me?! I need to know! You\'re a doctor, right? Right?! Please, tell me! Please... please... please..."

Her pleas dissolved into soft, pitiful whimpers until she suddenly stilled, frozen as Sebastian hugged her tightly from behind.

His voice was soft, steady, and honest as he whispered into her ear. "I don\'t know."

Those words were both a comfort and a knife. They were the truth. Sebastian\'s expertise lay in life sciences, not the human psyche. Mental health disorders and emotional trauma were well beyond his field, and knowing that made Acier\'s stomach churn.

Just as despair began to settle over her, Sebastian shifted, turning her over so they were face-to-face.

Acier\'s breath hitched, her tear-streaked eyes widening as he gently wiped them clean with his thumb. Then, leaning down, he kissed her forehead with a tenderness that broke through the walls she\'d built around her heart.

"I don\'t know," he repeated, his voice firm. "But we\'ll figure this out. Together."

Acier\'s lips parted as if to argue, but all that came out was a weak nod. She slumped against his chest, her body exhausted from the storm of emotions.

"...Good night, Sebby..." she whispered, her voice faint as her eyes fluttered shut.

Sebastian stayed awake for a moment, watching her drift into the first peaceful sleep she\'d had in years. Gently, he pulled the covers over them, his hand tracing soft circles on her back.

"Good night, Acier..." he murmured, closing his eyes.

Sebastian didn\'t know if he loved her in the way she wanted him to—yet. But he was certain of one thing: when the time came to give her an answer, it would be yes.