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Chapter 9: The Tang Xiao Tian in Qu Wei Ran’s memory

The first time Qu Wei Ran met Tang Xiao Tian, his smile is very dazzling, so dazzling that it’s hard for people to open their eyes.

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“If she’s worthy of you loving her.” He laughs and shakes his head on the hospital bed, he can’t believe he actually said this lie. After he sits up on the bed, he struggles to grab a cigarette on the bedside drawer and bites on to it. He lights the cigarette and breathes out a smoky circle. His cold eyes wander to the window, his thoughts drifting in his mind…

He is an illegitimate child, and from his memories, the man that he calls his father only visits him two or three times a month. Every time he visits, his mother is very happy, always tending to him lovingly. Then she will make ways to have him get money out from his wallet and hand them over to her. After he leaves, another man will come over and cuddle with his father’s lover, counting the money he left for her, and abuses his son.

At first, he hated his father, then he felt fortunate afterwards. He can’t help but to think how his father would react when he sees his lover cheating on him. When he found out, how will he torture them? Or maybe, he already knew about it, but brushed it off. If it was him, how would he torture the two?

He smiles cruelly and inhales the nicotine from the cigarette. At the end, he was the one that tortured the two, he still remembered the thrill of revenge he felt from that day, it was really cool. It’s like being able to exhale out all the silence he’s been trying to suppress over the years.

However, he got bored. He had a lot of women, some loved him for his looks, some loved him for the money in his wallet, and some loved him for the brand clothing he wore. He never felt that he loved any of them, he never even liked them. Whenever someone told him that they loved him, he would always feel that it’s fake, that it’s a joke.

But whenever they asked him if he loved them, he would always answer: Yes, I love you, really love you. He love to make love with them, that’s when he think there’s a bit of love. What he loved about it is not their orgasms, but the ejaculation during climax.

Love according to Qu Wei Ran is a joke, is there such thing as true love? In this world full of greed and lust, love is extinct. This thing only appears in the imaginations of bored young girls. That was what he thought before he enlisted to the army, then he met Tang Xiao Tian.

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When he entered his dormitory on the first day, there was only one person there. That person was hunching over the table, writing something. When he heard the door opened, he stood up and turned around. The sun shines behind him from the window and he smiled brightly at him. When he smiled, two dimples would appear, making him more handsome. He have a sunshine feel, a complete opposite of him. He sees him walking forward and extending his hand.

“Hello, I’m Tang Xiao Tian.” He smiles and holds onto his hand.

“Hello, I’m Qu Wei Ran.” That was the first day he met Xiao Tian. He remembered how dazzling his smile was, so dazzling that it’s hard for people to open their eyes. Later, they shared bunk beds. They would go to places together and go eat together, being more close with each other.

In the army, the new recruits would write letters, that’s the only way they can communicate with the outside world. Every day, every night, the new recruits would be hunching over their tables writing letters to their classmates, parents, teachers, whoever they can send their letters to.

A senior official said: The new recruits are like that, after three months, no one will reply back. He was right, in exception to the recruits that have girlfriends, the rest didn’t receive any letters back.

The senior official said: The new recruits are like that, give it six months, their girlfriends would run away or cheat on them. He was right, after half a year, there would always be recruits that didn’t hear back from their girlfriends and hide under the covers to cry.

However, Tang Xiao Tian still writes letters out; morning, afternoon, and night. He would write three letters a day and would sent them all out the next day. He would always tease him,

“How can a guy have so much to talk about? You should not be called Tang Xiao Tian, but Tang San Fung (Tang Three Letters).” Tang Xiao Tian will rub his nose and give a bashful smile in reply. Xiao Tian receives his letters in a steady rate, about four to five letters per week. He have a drawer where he used to put all of his baby girl’s letters. He would put them in chronological order, stacked neatly inside.

One time, the class president handed over a parcel to Qu Wei Ran to give to Tang Xiao Tian. He took the parcel and weighed in with his hand, guessing that it’s some sort of large book inside. He looked at the address written on the parcel with a black pen, the handwriting is so pretty. At the bottom of the parcel, she wrote her name: Shu Yawang. Yawang? Like a beautiful wish? That’s a really pretty name.

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“Xiao Tian, your mail.” He throws the parcel over to Xiao Tian who is sitting by the windows. He takes the mail and runs his finger to the corner to open it. Qu Wei Ran walks back to his seat and looks at Tang Xiao Tian. He sees him retrieve a sketchbook, and when he flips to the first page, his face displays a shocked expression, followed by a radiant smile.

From then, he feels a little envious towards Xiao Tian. He’s envious that Xiao Tian have someone who he can share his time with, someone who makes him miss her every day, he’s envious that he have someone who will wait for him, he’s envious of his radiant smile. Why had he not encountered anyone like that in his life? Why is it that even though he have a lot of girlfriends, not one of them motivate him to write a letter for? From that moment, he thought that Xiao Tian’s smile is glowering, so glowering that he felt uncomfortable. There is such thing as true love in this world, it’s just that, that kind of love have nothing to do with him.

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Three years later, once he saw the familiar words on a paper, his head lifts up to see the woman before him. She is not as beautiful as a goddess, but she looks pure.

“Yawang-ah, nice to meet you.” He don’t know why he is so agitated. The moment he saw her, he wants her, he don’t know why, he just wants her. He told Xiao Tian that he’s testing to see whether she’s worthy for him to love her so. He told him that it was a joke, he lied. He want her, he wants Shu Yawang, Tang Xiao Tian’s Shu Yawang.

He don’t hate Xiao Tian, he really don’t, he really likes him. He likes his bright personality and his smile. But he hates love, he hates seeing people who are deeply in love before him. The love is so aggravating to him that he just wants to destroy it. He dumps the cigarette into the tray after he’s done, revealing a cold smile from the corners of his lips.