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Chapter 144: Cold, Hard Light of Day

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ELIA

She woke feeling sick, shaky, and terrified.

Reth had never rejected her before. Never. And now he did it because she was determined to be the agent of her own fate? Because he hated his own weakness for loving her?

"Do you hate that you love me? Or just hate that other people know it?" she blurted out as soon as she had blinked awake. There was two feet between them, the first time she\'d ever woken not touching him since they started sharing furs.

And even though he sucked in a breath and rolled over, he didn\'t close the gap. "Good morning, Elia."

"Tell me, Reth," she said, surprised by how calm her voice sounded. "Do you hate that you love me, or do you just hate that other people know you love me?"

He pinched his eyes and yawned. "You\'re going to have to give me a few minutes to get my brain working again. I didn\'t sleep much last night.

She sat up, which was a completely unfair move, she knew. She\'d slept naked last night in case they\'d found a way to bridge the gap. But now, as she sat up, the furs fell away and her nipples met—and saluted—the cold morning air.

She didn\'t miss how Reth zeroed in on her chest and his pupils dilated.

He also made sure that she didn\'t miss when, with a soft grunt, he rolled over onto his back and tore his gaze away from her.

"Okay, Elia, you win. What is it you want to ask me?" he sighed a minute later. She hated the sudden weariness in his voice that bordered on despair.

"Do you wish you didn\'t love me, or—"

"No," he growled immediately, his hands fisting in the blankets. "How can you even ask me that?"

"—or do you just wish others didn\'t know how much you love me?" she finished.

He huffed and rubbed his face with his hands again. "Of course I wish that. I wish no one knew if it would keep you safe, and the people safe."

"So, it\'s just about us? Nothing to do with you?"

"What do you mean, Elia?" he said, finally turning his head, though he was careful to only let himself meet her eyes.

"Is there any chance you\'re making such a big deal out of this because… because YOU don\'t like what this all says about you? That maybe it has, actually, very little to do with me?"

He stared a moment before pushing himself up on one elbow and meeting her gaze levelly. "I am many things, Elia, and none of them perfect. But you know I am also not petty. I will take a personal hit if it will serve the greater good, and laugh about it. You offend me with that accusation," he growled.

She swallowed and didn\'t back down. "I just don\'t understand why you\'re so angry about something that hasn\'t happened."

"Did you hear nothing I said last night? Nothing about what I fear? You know, I will take a lot, Elia—from others, and even more from you. I\'ll take your differences and celebrate them. I\'ll stand in your stead when others don\'t understand. But I will not accept you being reckless with your own life, or the future of Anima. Don\'t you understand how your disappearance—worse, your death!—could affect the people? Don\'t you realize how it would affect ME?"

"I do, Reth. Please don\'t misunderstand me. I don\'t have any desire to put anyone in danger—including myself. But I think a measured risk is far different to—"

"Measured risk? Measured? Are you serious?" he gaped. "You think the things I described to you are only a passing possibility if it comes to light that you\'re slipping your guards? No, Elia, they are guaranteed! You clearly have no idea the risk you\'re taking—not just for yourself, but for Gahrye, and any people who might get in the way of our enemies! As if we don\'t have enough going on? We have wolves who have threatened you—"

"And calmed down!"

"—we have the bears about to migrate, all in a foul mood because they haven\'t eaten enough to keep them for a full hibernation. And now we also have thefts occurring in the Tree City for the first time in modern memory!"

"What?"

"You heard me. To say we have enemies and tensions that put you at risk is not exaggeration, Elia. I am not pulling these ideas out of my ass—I\'m telling you because I know what I would do to my enemy if I needed to weaken him. The Anima are ruthless when they have need for it—or have you forgotten the Rite?"

"No, I haven\'t forgotten," she said, hushed.

"Then kindly do not speak to me as if I make this about my ego!"

Elia bit her lip. "I\'m sorry," she murmured, pulling the furs up around her chest and shoulders, her stomach churning.

Reth sighed. "You\'re forgiven."

They both sat there, staring at the furs.

Elia wanted to weep for the wall that was suddenly between them. What was wrong with her? Why did she feel so uneasy about the idea of promising she\'d never slip the guards again? She knew he wasn\'t lying about what he would do if she was taken. But something in her recoiled at the idea of promising to stay, always under the eyes of someone else. Someone viewed as strong.

Why couldn\'t she be strong? Even here? All the female Anima were far smaller and weaker than the males. But none of them were under guard.

"Tell me about the thefts. What\'s been taken? Why haven\'t I heard about it?"

Reth sighed again. "The council have kept it quiet. First because they wanted to be sure there was reason to be concerned. Then because the pattern of what was taken would imply the thieves are… organized. And they didn\'t want to let them know we were aware."

"Organized how?"

"We believe a group is preparing to leave the Tree City. To defect, or simply to begin their own colony, we don\'t know. But they seem to be gathering supplies and equipment to make the transition easier."

Elia\'s heart sank and a very nervous trilling began in her already sick stomach.

But Reth continued. "That means we have Anima among us who are not enthralled with their King and Queen, Elia. And we don\'t yet know who they are, or why they\'re leaving. There is every reason to be concerned that they may have malicious intent towards us—and something like this is an easy… why have you gone pale?"

Elia swallowed.

No. It couldn\'t be.

Could it?