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Star

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I didn\'t remember falling asleep. I didn\'t remember at first why I was sore. And I didn\'t know why I felt like I was being held even though I was just waking up.

I was in my bed right? At the pack house? So why then did the bed feel different? Why did I feel off? And why didn\'t I want to open my eyes?

I continued to lay there, feigning sleep, as I tried to remember everything that happened after I left my room with Artem.

I remembered that he walked me to the car, while holding my hand. I remembered seeing the beach which was so beautiful. I remembered making dinner with Artem and the food actually turned out good. After that, things were a little blurry.

It was like I was watching it from a different perspective. I was there, I was answering him. But it was like I was not in control of myself. So what actually happened?

Artem told me he loved me, and I told him that I loved him as well. I remember that. I remembered his lips on mine as he kissed me and the mind blowing feeling of that.

Was that kiss why I was having a hard time remembering things? I didn\'t think so. I had enjoyed the kiss, and I had really wanted him to kiss me at that time. So what was I afraid to remember? What was it my subconscious was keeping from me?

I remember his body pressed against mine as he leaned me down against the blanket. I had missed the sunset since he was kissing me, but somehow I don\'t think it\'s that big of a loss. There will be others. 

There was still something else. Something there nagging at the back of my brain. Something that was tickling my memory and toying with me, eluding me by just a hair.

He was kissing me, then he asked me something. He said something along the lines of:

I don\'t want to scare you, or hurt you. Star, I love you. I need you. Are you OK with this?" He had kissed me in between his words and I remember thinking to myself that this was too fast, too sudden. But I couldn\'t say no. Was that because I loved him so much? 

I had let him carry me into the house as I clung to him, my arms wrapped around him. He walked slowly into the house and carried me up the stairs to parts of the house I had not seen yet.

Artem had walked down the hall and into a bedroom. That was when he climbed onto the bed, with me in his arms. He laid me down on the bed and kissed me again.

I felt his hands all over my body after that. He took my clothes off and put his mouth on my chest, on my breast. He had put his hand down between my legs.

\'Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.\' I heard the words playing on repeat in my head again. \'WHAT DID WE DO?\'

I remember my body reacting to him, even though I was telling myself that it was too soon for this to be happening. It\'s not like I didn\'t enjoy it, but I hadn\'t exactly chosen it for myself.

Then he had stopped himself and asked me something again.

"Do you want me to keep going?" I heard his words, processed them to know what he had meant, and still my mouth spoke words that I didn\'t choose.

"Do you want to keep going?" I can\'t believe those words came out of my mouth.

"More than anything. I love you. I want you. I need you. Can I keep going?" When he asked me that it was like I felt myself give in completely. I nodded my head and told him it was alright.

Things really progressed after that, starting with Artem taking his clothes off. I had never seen a man\'s body before. First he revealed his chest by taking off his shirt, the muscles rippling with the motions he was making. That sight actually excited me. He was a really, really, really, good looking man.

Next, he undid his belt and took his shorts off, along with the boxers he had on as well. Now he was naked before me and I saw, with clear detail, his manhood standing at attention before me. I knew that meant he was excited, or aroused, since I know he was never usually like that. But the sight of it scared me a little. The me that was in control and the me that wasn\'t.

I would say that it all happened really fast after that, but Artem seemed to be going slow, in a bid to keep from hurting me. But it did hurt, when he first entered me. I gasped and moaned from the pain. But he kept moving, slow and steady, and eventually my body was used to him and he started to move faster. By the time it was almost over he was moving so fast that it hurt, but in a good way somehow.

I remember how great it felt. I remember how happy I was after it was over. But oh my god, I can\'t believe that I did that.

I opened my eyes then and saw Artem\'s face right in front of mine, a beautiful smile on his lips. I couldn\'t help it, I squealed from the impact of seeing that.

Artem jerked awake then, worry showing in his moves and eyes.

"Star? What\'s wrong? Is everything OK?"

"Oh my god." I buried my face in his chest since it was the closest thing to hide myself in.

"Star? Baby what\'s wrong? What happened?"

"I cnt beereev fhat fis appnnd." My words were muffled again, so much so that I couldn\'t even understand them, even though I was the one who said it.

"Star, sweetheart, I don\'t know what you just said."

"I can\'t believe that this happened." I cried into his chest, pulling back just enough to know he could make out the words this time.

"Honey, what\'s wrong?"

"I-I didn\'t want this. Not yet."

"What?" He truly sounded like he didn\'t understand. "What do you mean?"

Artem grasped my shoulders then, gently, and pulled me away from him so that he could look into my eyes. I couldn\'t help the small reflexive jerk when he touched me, like I was scared of him.

"Star? Do you regret what happened? What we did together?" He looked like he was going to cry, or scream, or something. He looked terribly upset.

"Yes, and no. I don\'t know" There was a look in his eyes then, something that spoke of disgust, but it didn\'t seem to be directed at me.

"Star, I don\'t understand. Can you explain this to me?"